Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
