naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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