You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
