I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
