Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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