so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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