Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
