Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
