you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
