he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
the condom got lost in my hair
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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