I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
