May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
