The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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