He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
