Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
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