apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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