Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
