Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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