Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
