New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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