Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
