I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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