I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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