I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Drake has all the answers
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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