Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
