theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
