you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
