you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
