getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
