Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
