As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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