I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
