I heard we made out
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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