The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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