I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
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