Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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