I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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