pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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