I wish my penis had an off switch
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
This baby is an asshole
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Randomize
