I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
