I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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