i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
