If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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