Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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