I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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