I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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