When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I cut my penus on the lid.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
