I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
