3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
