she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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