I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
