I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
