I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
