Nicole vs. Life
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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